Entry 13 - February 14th, 2015
There it is...that date blinking away up there...staring out at us
like some monolithic creature demanding our attention...February 14th...Valentine's
Day.
I've never really been all that interested in this particular
holiday, even during the times when I wasn't checking the box marked 'single.'
It is a completely made up commercial holiday created for the sole purpose of
selling more greeting cards and cheap chocolates. It essentially devalues the
martyrdom of a Saint, of whom there is little historical evidence to remotely
support some of the legends associated with him (them in some accounts). It
alternates between being crass or ridiculously sappy.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Couples go to incredible lengths
to prove they can scale the peak of some romance mountain and end up with some
(usually) good memories and a large bill. The next day rolls around and most go
back to their routines; you know, the ones where they spend very little time
together and what time they do spend is usually spent being hypercritical of
their partner. I know, I know...that's not how it happens for everyone, there
are lots of happy couples and they don't act like that....and so on...but I'm
looking at the lowest common denominator here.
The fact of the matter is, there is a large population of individuals that
are in relationships where 98% of the time one party is doing all the work to
keep things afloat. Valentine's Day rolls around so the other party goes to
great lengths to put on a show and give a bit of a song and dance to impress
their partner and they figure that those few hours of happiness excuses them
from putting in any additional real effort until the
birthday/anniversary/Christmas rolls around. Yes I'm generalizing in a huge
way....but every single person reading this immediately thought of a couple
they know while reading this....maybe even themselves...
Back to why...why does this happen? In a very real sense it's
because there are so many people that have a complete and total
misunderstanding of what love is. This is something that could take up page
after page but I'll try to be brief.
Love is not some blinding emotion...it's not the pleasure of physical
contact...or the complete lack of mental faculties in the other's
presence....not a clever rhyme or a saccharine song...those things can
accompany love but they are not its totality. Those things are all temporal and
fickle...they tempt a decadent dance but deliver an accordion polka. These
things are but fleeting sands crashing to the bottom of the hourglass and some
spend so much time chasing the ephemera that they miss the substance that holds
it all together.
Love is putting others' needs before your own. It's taking the
time to truly serve the other person and experiencing what it feels like to
bring them joy. Love does not demand its own way...that's the simplest way I think
I can break that down. I will never forget the advice my Grandmother gave to me
about marriage and how to keep any committed relationship strong. She told me
that if I want to really know a successful relationship I would have to always
put my partner's needs first, and they would have to put my needs first. By
doing this, both of us would have our needs met and we would know the true
heart of Love - servant-hood. Love is not a ruler....it does not boast and
demand to be satisfied. It doesn't proclaim its desires on the populace and
entangle them in a string of questionable quandaries.
I don't think I can really say this enough - to truly be in love
with someone, you have to be willing to lay everything on the line for them and
step into a completely foreign situation. You have to be ready to carry them
when they can't walk and to weep with them when joy is hidden. You have to be
willing to give it all up, to put your life on the line....and when two people
are in that kind of relationship they do it because they know that their
partner is doing the same for them.
I'm providing an oversimplification I'm sure....and I know there
are several of you that probably think I'm being too hard or that I'm
unrealistic...and maybe I am to some extent...but I know that we were given an
example of perfect love in action in the person of Jesus...and this is not the
love I see people trying to reflect or represent in most Valentine's Day actions.
So what am I really trying to say...I don't know...maybe that we
need to accept the fact that all of our attempts at the sport of romance are
fleeting and temporary even with the best of intentions. Don't wait for one minuscule day on the calendar to show your love for someone...show them every
day. Take them to dinner because it's Tuesday...bring home flowers tomorrow
just because you can...plan that weekend getaway in June...skip the narcissism
of Valentines altogether and focus on growing closer together through truly
seeking intimacy with God and each other...be willing to put someone else above
yourself.
This conversation can be so much deeper...it just takes the right
kick in the heart to get started...
